You’ve done years’ worth of loving yourself the way you needed it but you’re well aware that self-love is a life-long endeavor. You’ve recognized your worth time and time again, shedding layers of pain in the privacy of your room and the therapist’s office. You were introduced to Inner Child theory and held yourself at different stages of your life the way a loving mother would. And now, you find yourself laying out exactly what it is you want out of life. Part of the list is a life partner with whom you experience that true, absolutely-gotta-have-you, wanna-build-my-life-with-you, it’s-you-it’s-always-gonna-be-you type of Love. And Samm Henshaw, Only Wanna Be With You plays in the background of your story. That real, good, good, divinity to fully share with someone else. (Ok, I’m done!) Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. I confessed this dream of mine to my Samm Henshaw recently, but I was misunderstood. I was told that actually, what I needed was more self-love because there’s no need to give importance to such a dream. But I’m a grown woman who knows what she wants, not a girl desperate to be loved. Somehow, it hurts, but I am constantly reminding myself that, no matter who it is, I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. This is an affirmation I lived by as a teen and it brought me a lot of peace and kickstarted my independence. While easing into the rocky path of adulthood, I totally forgot about it.
Don’t let anybody shame you about what you want, even if it’s romantic love. I just learned that loving someone else is a whole different game than self-love. It’s difficult when you’ve never given all of you to anybody other than yourself for years. (In my case, ever.) It’s especially difficult when you’ve been wounded many times in several different ways. Wounds I had healed from on my own resurfaced and showed deeper, underlying layers. Some wounds, I’ve no idea how they could have been so relevant and impactful on my actions toward my Samm Henshaw, but they have. It’s a complex interweaving of hurt and fear. And I admit, I pushed this person away because of heavy protection walls I had built, but I was attempting to tear them down. I did so unsuccessfully. You know, it’s like the prey who tries to fight its predator. It’s trapped and yet, makes countless efforts to escape. At the same time, they found out, much like the other men I’ve dealt with, that I’m not the fantasy they thought I was. I’m a real person, with heavy baggage, and I’m a challenge.
Sigh. Where’s the manual on how to love somebody? I’m hurt, and left with tearing down these brick walls myself. I don’t know how I’m going to do this level of healing on my own. And I don’t want to advocate for pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps, holding our head high and walking alone if we have to in times like this. Sometimes, we just need help. It’s ok not to be ok, and to sit with your emotions, and to cry for mom.
Anyway, back to the manifesto. Personally, I’m a highly intuitive person. I know some of the major things my soul has come here to experience. I know being in (true) love is a part of my mission here on earth, which involves raising the divine energy of the planet – and that is Love. (Some things are quite hard to explain. I know it’s strange, but stick with me.) I know that I have a partner, and that we are to do that together. Now, I don’t know if I truly found them, but I do remember how I felt at the stroke of midnight, by the end of the day I met my Samm Henshaw. Despite this, I’m not holding my breath whether they’ll return to me or not. Everything will be just fine, I know. I look out for myself, and I guess I’m never alone after all. My loved ones give me the support I need. The Most High got me, too. And my mother, of course, walks with me in spirit.
I will say no more about it. But I want to share a secret bucket list I created on my old Tumblr account back in 2017. I referred back to it at times I felt down and lost, just to remind myself about the happy things I wanted to strive for in my life. I created it after a few years on this path of spirituality and healing, but not before Inner Child work. I’m happy not to keep it secret anymore.