Essays & Thoughts, Letters
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Leaving Depression & Anxiety Behind

I thought I was over writing about mental health. Maybe I am.

I had attempted several times to write about suicidal ideation and other hard topics, but my tears and loss for words had stopped me. On other days, I just wasn’t feeling it– everybody talking about their issues AND giving self-help advice on social media (not really into that anyway), and the low vibration that depression and anxiety keep you in. I felt trapped just thinking about mental health, but my mood and mind kept improving every month with all the inner-work I was doing. I just wanted to be free like a bird. You know, escape the world of mental health and just live my life.

Here’s the harsh truth: most people don’t want to work their problems out. If there’s even a slight desire to, they want someone or something else to do all the heavy lifting for them. So, people have crutches like drugs, sex, alcohol, weed, whatever it is, to use as temporary bandages. The feelings these things give do not last more than a day and leave you feeling emptier than before right after use. If one’s crutch is a person, such as a therapist or significant other, they put them on a pedestal and spill their issues onto that person. They expect this person to whisk away their problems. Some even have partner after partner after partner, because they fear to be with themselves. Most people aren’t aware they are doing this.

It is damn hard work. Looking inside of yourself, examining your past, finding compassion and writing a new story for oneself is hard and it’s not a quick process by any means. It’s also not a linear climb; there are several dips and detours in one’s mood/state of mind along the way. The goal of this website was to provide people with real, tried-and-true tools to get them started with inner-work. I was to deliver the realities of improving one’s mental health from clinical depression & severe anxiety without blunt force, but with light nudges, because I know how easily people can be offended if they are even slightly shaken by information. I, myself, have experienced clinical depression and severe anxiety for years, and so I believed to be perfect for the job. To be honest, I really don’t know if I’ve succeeded in lighting a fire at the end of anyone’s tunnel.

I’ve always wanted to be free like a bird. Not only free of mental illness but free from my childhood home and neighborhood, filled with ghosts (and real people) I do not wish to see anymore. Maybe even free from this city. Right now, I am in a spot where I’m putting every inner-work lesson I’ve learned over the course of two years, especially the last 6 months, into practice. I am training to become a flight attendant. We are going on week 4, the final stretch before a rewarding (but still part of training) trip to Disney World! Flight attendant training is very demanding and difficult, especially as you advance. But I already feel rewarded and I am having fun. I feel that it is a job with purpose, although I know most people believe it’s just an easy customer service job where you stand there and look pretty. They have no idea the degree to which their lives are in a flight attendant’s hands. Anyway, with this new job, I feel that my dream of freedom will be realized, and actually, I feel it already. I am scraping all the money I can to get out of this home, and I’ll be working hard to see the world.

I thought I was going to be a therapist. I was going to work freaking hard for it. I was going to go back to school, which I hate, to try to change people’s perspectives even a little bit… After much research, thinking, and writing, I’ve decided not to go this route. I don’t have to be a therapist to touch hearts, and I certainly do not believe going into deeper debt is worth it. But I don’t want to leave anyone who is suffering behind. Since my POC blog post, I have been getting traffic every single day. I am so, incredibly thankful for that. Although, I won’t be taking full advantage of this as I need to figure out better ways of helping people.

I am a writer. Now, I’m thinking of incorporating my messages into fiction stories rather than blogging. (I’m really into the Magical Realism genre.) Those who need to receive my message will receive it. I truly believe that. Maybe one needs to be pulled out of their mind before seeing the light and finding true Love within themselves. I don’t know, but I want to keep trying.

 

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