I am lost. The new school year approaches and I’m getting more scared by the day about how I’m going to translate this to my family: I want nothing to do with where and what I am studying. I need to take a semester off. I’m confused and this summer alone I’ve explored the possibilities of 8 different career paths.
Finding the energy to continue writing has not been easy. Sometimes the words have not yet come and I stare at blank space. I feel mildly depressed. Just a steady state of grey.
My schooling situation truly is a first world problem. It’s not ridiculous, but maybe it’s a mere problem. There’s pressure from family to keep going to school, to not take any breaks or change programs again. I’ve switched programs twice before, and the last time I switched back to my second program. These were all worthwhile mistakes except for the last time. I’d only switched back because I felt lost but wanted to get school over with.
It’s been five years that I’m in school. I’m interested in writing, and I’m enrolled in a Publications program at an art school. It’s the wrong choice somehow; I’m at a point where I’m not getting much out of the program anymore. I learn nothing. My time and money feel wasted. I’m in class physically, but not mentally.
I spend most of the day lounging around often feeling tired or sleeping. There’s always an reason as to why I won’t write or exercise today even though I ought to.
I did do some practice recently. It has been much easier to find motivation to move my body than it was a few months ago. Lately, when I’ve been doing yoga, I’ve been crying a lot.
I feel guilty about crying all the time. There are people in much worse situations than mine–humans whom I feel for and cry with, but I still can’t help feeling so lost and confused. Scared and not brave enough. Little, afraid to rise. Also, I’m exhausted; continually thinking about my future has got me spent. I don’t know how not to. I always need to prep safety nets before relaxing into the present moment just to have no future regrets. Because regrets have happened before. But enjoying the present moment almost never happens.